Today my mom and I went to Sac to get the Level 2 Ultrasound. There was genetic counseling involved... I didn't know that was going to take place. But the Dr. didn't seem concerned with any of my genetics.
Then to the seeing of the baby... well the tech was super tight lipped and not too friendly. She didn't tell us what we were seeing and I kept asking questions. She would answer my question but as shortly as possible. Made me nervous. Then a different Dr. came in and said that from what they could tell the baby looked fine and its growth was on track. I asked about the sex (wanted a confirmation) and they said they couldn't see anything. Whatever... they didn't even try much at all. They gave us a few terrible pictures and said good bye to us. Was very disappointing.
I keep hoping that something will make me feel connected to this little Butterfly. Was really hoping at least for a confirmation of gender and maybe one nice picture.
But was nice coming home. My Little H ran to me and hugged me and hugged me. Then she took her little hands and put them on either side of my face and said, "I uv oou, Mama". And I told her I loved her back, then I said, I missed you! And she tried to say that back to me too! Was very sweet.
Well, Praise God that nothing seems to be wrong with Butterfly. I still feel more nervous in this pregnancy than I have in the previous ones. And in the past, what 10 days, I have only taken the Lunesta twice. I've been trying to go as long as I can without it. But when I seem to start loosing my mind a bit then I know I need some extra sleep.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
THIS is your life...
Wishing I had something to say tonight. I just feel so blaw (have no idea how to spell that).
I want to feel something. I don't feel joy and I don't even really feel sad... just discontent.
Its terrible. I have two beautiful, sweet, creative, challenging, stubborn daughters. I have a husband who loves me, a roof over my head, food to eat and clothes to wear. I feel so horribly ungrateful.
I'm not ungrateful. I actually thank God every night and sometimes through out the day for these things. I just don't seem to feel much. It is though life is moving to fast to really enjoy it much. Yet here I am at 9:30ish and everyone is asleep. I have time right now. I just feel empty. What is wrong with me?
That song by Switchfoot plays over and over in my head:
I want to feel something. I don't feel joy and I don't even really feel sad... just discontent.
Its terrible. I have two beautiful, sweet, creative, challenging, stubborn daughters. I have a husband who loves me, a roof over my head, food to eat and clothes to wear. I feel so horribly ungrateful.
I'm not ungrateful. I actually thank God every night and sometimes through out the day for these things. I just don't seem to feel much. It is though life is moving to fast to really enjoy it much. Yet here I am at 9:30ish and everyone is asleep. I have time right now. I just feel empty. What is wrong with me?
That song by Switchfoot plays over and over in my head:
Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken
Don’t close your eyes, don’t close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you’ve got now
Yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken
Don’t close your eyes, don’t close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you’ve got now
Yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
So what's my deal? What is it that I want out of life? I always thought it was a husband and children. I have that and still...
I'm sure its my lack of deep relationship with God. I somehow lost that deepness. It started to fade when I got married. My husband consumed my thoughts and my time. Then the children came... WOW! do they consume your thoughts and time! Also in the process of marriage and motherhood I've lost a lot of what it is like to be me. Things I did before I don't do any more. And now... here I am.
What will it be like when Butterfly comes out of the cocoon?
Who is it I want to be? I want to be a good mother and a good wife. But that's kind of a given. Who do *I* want to be? I just don't know anymore.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Hell and Heaven
What the hell???
Tonight as I was laying on my 4 yr old's bed with her and saying prayers... I say the words and she repeats them... she stops me and makes up her own prayer...
"And please help Tummy Baby to be born alive and not dead."
I really had to try and hold it together for the rest of the night time routine.
I agree with her prayer... that's not the problem. I want Butterfly to be healthy and of course born alive. What I am wondering is what in the world prompted Big H to pray such a thing? Can she sense my fears? Or has she over heard me talking to my Honey about my worries in taking the sleeping pills? Or... and here is probably my craziest worry... does she sense that something is wrong with the baby?
I totally think that children can be more sensitive to the spirit world... God, see Angels, etc than we adults. We have so much more stuff that crowds our minds. And there is a verse about that somewhere in the Bible but right now I just can't find it.
I'm trying not to get all worked up about it. Trying to just be grateful that my daughter is choosing to pray about things that concern her heart. But at the same time, I'm going Lunesta-less tonight.
Every day I feel SO exhausted. As soon as I put my Little H down for a nap and get my Big H involved in something, (Bugsby, Art, Playing w/her kitten, dolls or sometimes a movie) I crash on my bed feeling as though my body weighs a thousand pounds and even breathing takes too much work. So every night I take the Lunesta because I am afraid I wont be able to function the next day without some sleep at night.
This last week I saw one of the new midwives in the practice. (The practice has 4 midwives that rotate, through out the pregnancy, you visit with all 4 to get to know them, then on delivery it is whoever is on call.) Didn't really like her because she seemed so uninterested and critical. I explained some of my pregnancy history to her and she said, "This IS your last pregnancy, right?!" Then when she told me to nap and I told her I could only rest because I had small children at home she said again how this should be my last pregnancy because I was getting old and needed to take care of myself. (Since when is 36 THAT old?!)
Yes, this is our last pregnancy but seriously who is she to tell me that?
I don't know. I try not to be angry because from an outsiders view most would think I am insane to get pregnant because it is so hard on me. But when I cuddle my Sweet Hs or watch them play and giggle I think how insane I would be not to want to go through the hell of pregnancy to have a little piece of Heaven with me.
Well... off to check on my sleeping Heavenly Hs, kiss their soft little heads and then possibly lay awake in bed for most of this Lunesta-free night. Thankfully Honey will be home tomorrow.
Tonight as I was laying on my 4 yr old's bed with her and saying prayers... I say the words and she repeats them... she stops me and makes up her own prayer...
"And please help Tummy Baby to be born alive and not dead."
I really had to try and hold it together for the rest of the night time routine.
I agree with her prayer... that's not the problem. I want Butterfly to be healthy and of course born alive. What I am wondering is what in the world prompted Big H to pray such a thing? Can she sense my fears? Or has she over heard me talking to my Honey about my worries in taking the sleeping pills? Or... and here is probably my craziest worry... does she sense that something is wrong with the baby?
I totally think that children can be more sensitive to the spirit world... God, see Angels, etc than we adults. We have so much more stuff that crowds our minds. And there is a verse about that somewhere in the Bible but right now I just can't find it.
I'm trying not to get all worked up about it. Trying to just be grateful that my daughter is choosing to pray about things that concern her heart. But at the same time, I'm going Lunesta-less tonight.
Every day I feel SO exhausted. As soon as I put my Little H down for a nap and get my Big H involved in something, (Bugsby, Art, Playing w/her kitten, dolls or sometimes a movie) I crash on my bed feeling as though my body weighs a thousand pounds and even breathing takes too much work. So every night I take the Lunesta because I am afraid I wont be able to function the next day without some sleep at night.
This last week I saw one of the new midwives in the practice. (The practice has 4 midwives that rotate, through out the pregnancy, you visit with all 4 to get to know them, then on delivery it is whoever is on call.) Didn't really like her because she seemed so uninterested and critical. I explained some of my pregnancy history to her and she said, "This IS your last pregnancy, right?!" Then when she told me to nap and I told her I could only rest because I had small children at home she said again how this should be my last pregnancy because I was getting old and needed to take care of myself. (Since when is 36 THAT old?!)
Yes, this is our last pregnancy but seriously who is she to tell me that?
I don't know. I try not to be angry because from an outsiders view most would think I am insane to get pregnant because it is so hard on me. But when I cuddle my Sweet Hs or watch them play and giggle I think how insane I would be not to want to go through the hell of pregnancy to have a little piece of Heaven with me.
Well... off to check on my sleeping Heavenly Hs, kiss their soft little heads and then possibly lay awake in bed for most of this Lunesta-free night. Thankfully Honey will be home tomorrow.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Carpal Tunnel and Marriage
Last night was the first night in weeks I haven't woken up due to my arm/wrist/hands feeling as if it had knives in it. The carpal tunnel has caused my hands, wrist and all the way up past my right elbow to get that terrible "asleep" feeling to the point of serious pain for weeks at night. It has caused me to wake at least once if not three times a night even on sleeping pills. This cortisone shot in my right wrist is a miracle!
After the numbing stuff the Dr used before the deep shot he injected wore off my hand and fingers were in so much pain I couldn't use them for two days... but boy was it worth it! I just pray that the relief continues. I am scheduled to have the shot done in the other hand next week but it hasn't caused me as much grief as my right side has so I have no trouble waiting.
Subject change... wow, marriage is hard. Much harder than I thought before going into it and I did think it would be a challenge. Throwing children in the mix does not make it easier. I have so little energy to put into my marriage after a day of 2 year old tantrums and 4 year old complaints and whining... oh not to mention the exhaustion of being pregnant (and old!). Next month will be 8 years of marriage and I feel like the last 5 since we've had children has been, to be honest, a strain. I adore my princesses and wouldn't change a thing and there have been other serious factors that have contributed to the distance between us...
I don't know if I even really remember the "good ol' days" of how we used to be.
My Honey wants to go back to those days but that isn't possible, we aren't those people anymore. We need to find a new normal, a new closeness. And I want to, I do... I'm just so tired. I need to find the energy for my marriage. Then guidance of how we can obtain the abstract feeling of closeness we both want.
When he tries to obtain what he feels is closeness with me (and I'm not talking about anything sexual) I feel overwhelmed and asked too much of. He always talks about us being deeper with each other and I think how much deeper can we get? I think the ideas he has aren't what I have... yet it is still abstract to me so I can't even put into words what I want and this frustrates him. And he frustrates me. And the gap remains.
I think part of my need is to feel like me again. The me I was before I was a wife, before I was a mother... the me I used to be or more likely the me I want to be. Who is that?
After the numbing stuff the Dr used before the deep shot he injected wore off my hand and fingers were in so much pain I couldn't use them for two days... but boy was it worth it! I just pray that the relief continues. I am scheduled to have the shot done in the other hand next week but it hasn't caused me as much grief as my right side has so I have no trouble waiting.
Subject change... wow, marriage is hard. Much harder than I thought before going into it and I did think it would be a challenge. Throwing children in the mix does not make it easier. I have so little energy to put into my marriage after a day of 2 year old tantrums and 4 year old complaints and whining... oh not to mention the exhaustion of being pregnant (and old!). Next month will be 8 years of marriage and I feel like the last 5 since we've had children has been, to be honest, a strain. I adore my princesses and wouldn't change a thing and there have been other serious factors that have contributed to the distance between us...
I don't know if I even really remember the "good ol' days" of how we used to be.
My Honey wants to go back to those days but that isn't possible, we aren't those people anymore. We need to find a new normal, a new closeness. And I want to, I do... I'm just so tired. I need to find the energy for my marriage. Then guidance of how we can obtain the abstract feeling of closeness we both want.
When he tries to obtain what he feels is closeness with me (and I'm not talking about anything sexual) I feel overwhelmed and asked too much of. He always talks about us being deeper with each other and I think how much deeper can we get? I think the ideas he has aren't what I have... yet it is still abstract to me so I can't even put into words what I want and this frustrates him. And he frustrates me. And the gap remains.
I think part of my need is to feel like me again. The me I was before I was a wife, before I was a mother... the me I used to be or more likely the me I want to be. Who is that?
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Ultrasound
Here SHE is!
We had our ultrasound last night. I am getting a Level2 Ultrasound in 3 weeks but it will be very clinical and they don't allow children to be apart of them. So we decided to pay for our own so that the girls could get the first glimpse of our new little Butterfly. Little H wasn't that interested but Big H was.
Big H and I were a bit disappointed that it wasn't a boy. Daddy wanted another girl... he some how thinks being surrounded by women will be a good thing... he has a lot to learn. Big H was thinking that since she already had a sister that it would be good to have a brother. Me... I just wanted one of each... having two girls already I just really wanted a boy as well.
Who knows... maybe they missed something. We'll find out for sure in three weeks.
The Level2 Ultrasound is because I am over 35 and they want to make sure the baby is healthy. It is the only test I agreed to do as who doesn't want to see their baby as much as possible?! I told them I don't want to know about any disabilities the baby may have unless it is something that can be helped at birth. Everything else we will worry about when she is in our arms.
I've had the song, "I will Survive" in my head all day.
Had to go see a orthopedic Dr this morning because the carpal tunnel in both my wrists are so bad that I can't even cut my own chicken. The pain and numbness makes it difficult to hold even a children's book up to read to my girls.
At first the Dr. didn't want to do anything to help because... I'm pregnant. But I told him that I had read that they do cortisone shots in the wrist that help and the steroid is mostly localized and very little reaches the baby. He went out and conferred with a couple of his associates and came back and agreed to do the shot... but only one hand at a time.
Again... I am scared to do these things and I often feel like a terrible mother to this little Butterfly inside of me but at the same time I need to be able to care for the ones on the outside too without feeling like I am going to loose my mind.
I will survive. Exhausted, in pain, a little out of my mind but in the end... 3 Princesses!
Wow... estrogen city!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Fear
Our trip to Santa Cruz was very nice. My Sweet H's love the beach! We forgot our Sit N Stand and had to buy a stroller for Little H to ride in. Spent about an hour trying to decide on the perfect one... which doesn't exist... but found one I really like. Goes from birth to 55lbs and is compact and light weight. Will be nice to have a small single stroller when I don't want to push around the great big Sit N Stand.
My insurance has been dragging its feet getting me my Ambien so I had to borrow 5 from my mom. I ran out Sunday night and decided to try and take nothing to fall asleep. Turned out to be a terrible, horrible night. Couldn't sleep for hours then when I finally did was that ridiculous light sleep where you are aware of everything. Woke up a number of times. Around 2:30 was one of the wake up sessions. I was feeling terribly nauseous and went to try and get a snack to calm my stomach. Instead ended up vomiting everything I possibly could out of my stomach. Tried going back to bed around 3:30 only to go into the restless light sleep. Woke up feeling like death warmed over with a screaming headache.
I am afraid. I am afraid not to take the sleeping pills because more than a few nights like the above and I turn in to a crazy person... seriously. At the same time I doubt that when most Doctors prescribe sleeping pills to pregnant women they don't anticipate them taking the pills every night of the pregnancy. Things like Ambien and Lunesta state on their packaging that they are for short term usage. Now when not pregnant I take them almost nightly... but then it is only my body I am possibly harming. So I am afraid. I do not want to hurt this little Butterfly.
I wish I had a sign from God to know what to do.
I rented one of those Baby Dopplers to listen to Butterfly's heart beat. End of last week I was wondering if some how I had harmed him/her because of the sleeping pills. I was so nervous that I sent away for this thing. Butterfly doesn't really like it. As soon as I finally find the heart beat he/she kick and moves away. I only do it once a day. I hope that since his/her heartbeat is still sounding strong that he/she is. I hate this fear.
My insurance has been dragging its feet getting me my Ambien so I had to borrow 5 from my mom. I ran out Sunday night and decided to try and take nothing to fall asleep. Turned out to be a terrible, horrible night. Couldn't sleep for hours then when I finally did was that ridiculous light sleep where you are aware of everything. Woke up a number of times. Around 2:30 was one of the wake up sessions. I was feeling terribly nauseous and went to try and get a snack to calm my stomach. Instead ended up vomiting everything I possibly could out of my stomach. Tried going back to bed around 3:30 only to go into the restless light sleep. Woke up feeling like death warmed over with a screaming headache.
I am afraid. I am afraid not to take the sleeping pills because more than a few nights like the above and I turn in to a crazy person... seriously. At the same time I doubt that when most Doctors prescribe sleeping pills to pregnant women they don't anticipate them taking the pills every night of the pregnancy. Things like Ambien and Lunesta state on their packaging that they are for short term usage. Now when not pregnant I take them almost nightly... but then it is only my body I am possibly harming. So I am afraid. I do not want to hurt this little Butterfly.
I wish I had a sign from God to know what to do.
I rented one of those Baby Dopplers to listen to Butterfly's heart beat. End of last week I was wondering if some how I had harmed him/her because of the sleeping pills. I was so nervous that I sent away for this thing. Butterfly doesn't really like it. As soon as I finally find the heart beat he/she kick and moves away. I only do it once a day. I hope that since his/her heartbeat is still sounding strong that he/she is. I hate this fear.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Ambien Instead
Well, I have talked to more people and looked into it more. I think we are going to go with Ambien for the sleep aid instead of Lunesta as it is an older drug and has been prescribed more often to pregnant women without causing problems than Lunesta has. Last night I took Ambien. I actually think I might have slept better... Had little H not woken up us up with the sound of her vomiting coming from the baby monitor it might have been a really good night.
Little H didn't want to eat much yesterday but we had guests over and she ended up eating two cupcakes pretty much on an empty stomach. I am pretty sure that is why she was losing her "cupcakes" at midnight last night. Today she seemed fine which is wonderful as we are planning on going out of town this weekend.
I actually bought a diaper bag for this new little one tonight. I don't know if because this is my third and I am so busy with the first two or because I have been in such a bad place physically I just haven't felt connected to this little Butterfly at all. Tonight buying something that will be used specifically for him/her was a positive step for me... not to mention the diaper bag is super cute!
I have upset my husband tonight though. Body image has always been an issue for me and when I am pregnant (especially in these early months) I do not feel beautiful at all. He was trying to tell me something and I took it completely a different way... negative about my looks and I got angry. Then he got angry that I would believe he was saying something negative about me. Oh... its a mess. Anyway... not a great way to start off a weekend away as a family.
Well, got to go pack.
Little H didn't want to eat much yesterday but we had guests over and she ended up eating two cupcakes pretty much on an empty stomach. I am pretty sure that is why she was losing her "cupcakes" at midnight last night. Today she seemed fine which is wonderful as we are planning on going out of town this weekend.
I actually bought a diaper bag for this new little one tonight. I don't know if because this is my third and I am so busy with the first two or because I have been in such a bad place physically I just haven't felt connected to this little Butterfly at all. Tonight buying something that will be used specifically for him/her was a positive step for me... not to mention the diaper bag is super cute!
I have upset my husband tonight though. Body image has always been an issue for me and when I am pregnant (especially in these early months) I do not feel beautiful at all. He was trying to tell me something and I took it completely a different way... negative about my looks and I got angry. Then he got angry that I would believe he was saying something negative about me. Oh... its a mess. Anyway... not a great way to start off a weekend away as a family.
Well, got to go pack.
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