Well, I have talked to more people and looked into it more. I think we are going to go with Ambien for the sleep aid instead of Lunesta as it is an older drug and has been prescribed more often to pregnant women without causing problems than Lunesta has. Last night I took Ambien. I actually think I might have slept better... Had little H not woken up us up with the sound of her vomiting coming from the baby monitor it might have been a really good night.
Little H didn't want to eat much yesterday but we had guests over and she ended up eating two cupcakes pretty much on an empty stomach. I am pretty sure that is why she was losing her "cupcakes" at midnight last night. Today she seemed fine which is wonderful as we are planning on going out of town this weekend.
I actually bought a diaper bag for this new little one tonight. I don't know if because this is my third and I am so busy with the first two or because I have been in such a bad place physically I just haven't felt connected to this little Butterfly at all. Tonight buying something that will be used specifically for him/her was a positive step for me... not to mention the diaper bag is super cute!
I have upset my husband tonight though. Body image has always been an issue for me and when I am pregnant (especially in these early months) I do not feel beautiful at all. He was trying to tell me something and I took it completely a different way... negative about my looks and I got angry. Then he got angry that I would believe he was saying something negative about me. Oh... its a mess. Anyway... not a great way to start off a weekend away as a family.
Well, got to go pack.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Feeling Normal but Scared
So I have been taking the Lunesta for the past few days and haven't yelled at my children once (well, nothing beyond normal parenting). My husband has also received more loving in the past 4 days than he probably has in the past 4 weeks. The Lunesta is not getting me to fall asleep faster than normal... last night I lay in bed at least an hour if not an hour and a half. But once I fall asleep my sleep is much better. I actually feel a bit human the next day and function. I've even made dinner twice in the past 4 days and it wasn't pizza!
Now I feel afraid though. Until just before I sat down to type this I hadn't felt the baby move in the past number of days. I started feeling him/her kick me at 13 weeks. I know that's really early. I didn't feel the baby every day or many times during the day but I know it was my little butterfly. Now at 15 weeks when I haven't felt the flutter of little wings I have been wondering if I am harming this little one.
From everything I have read all the animal testing of Lunesta only caused fetal problems when the animals were given 20 times the dose. One must imagine that if anyone is given 20 times the dose of a sleeping pill that they probably aren't waking up much. Therefore malnutrition, decrease in circulation and many other things would factor in to the pregnancies of these animals. The studies said that when the animals were given the drug in a normal dose nothing abnormal was shown. Of course they can't do these studies on people as it would be unethical.
So I am the test subject for this "experiment" and I feel afraid. I want to adequately care for my daughters without feeling like I am damaging their hearts (or causing them to need years of therapy) at the same time I want to adequately care for my butterfly without feeling like I am damaging any part of his/her fragile frame.
I've prayed for sleep... a lot. I even went up about 4 weeks ago for prayer at my church.
Sleep... oh you illusive charlatan!!!
Tonight I am not taking my precious ally. I will brave the night... and next day... alone. I need to think on this more.
Now I feel afraid though. Until just before I sat down to type this I hadn't felt the baby move in the past number of days. I started feeling him/her kick me at 13 weeks. I know that's really early. I didn't feel the baby every day or many times during the day but I know it was my little butterfly. Now at 15 weeks when I haven't felt the flutter of little wings I have been wondering if I am harming this little one.
From everything I have read all the animal testing of Lunesta only caused fetal problems when the animals were given 20 times the dose. One must imagine that if anyone is given 20 times the dose of a sleeping pill that they probably aren't waking up much. Therefore malnutrition, decrease in circulation and many other things would factor in to the pregnancies of these animals. The studies said that when the animals were given the drug in a normal dose nothing abnormal was shown. Of course they can't do these studies on people as it would be unethical.
So I am the test subject for this "experiment" and I feel afraid. I want to adequately care for my daughters without feeling like I am damaging their hearts (or causing them to need years of therapy) at the same time I want to adequately care for my butterfly without feeling like I am damaging any part of his/her fragile frame.
I've prayed for sleep... a lot. I even went up about 4 weeks ago for prayer at my church.
Sleep... oh you illusive charlatan!!!
Tonight I am not taking my precious ally. I will brave the night... and next day... alone. I need to think on this more.
Friday, August 20, 2010
No Zoloft for Now
Well, I called my midwife and had a bit of a talk with her. I asked… if my problem is that I’m not sleeping and feeling like I am going out of my mind with exhaustion then why would you order me anti-depressants instead of sleeping pills. She says that she has had experience giving women Zoloft but hasn’t had any experience giving sleeping pills. I told her I had looked into it a little and felt they were probably safe. She said ok.
So last night I took my Lunesta. Hum… didn’t help me the way I was hoping it would. I was still laying there awake for a long time… then I still had to wake up at least 3 times to pee. Maybe it is because I had tea too late last night… caffeine working against me. I think I will try it again tonight and see if it does any better.
I am a bit worried about taking drugs while pregnant. I really do not want to do anything to harm this baby in any way… at the same time I have been going crazy. I really have felt like I have been losing my mind especially in my parenting of my other two daughters. I have felt like I was standing on the outside seeing myself screaming at them and unable to do anything about it but watch and wonder what that crazy woman over there is screaming about. It's a good thing my girls love me. My little H hugs and kisses me like crazy any chance she gets. My big H would rather hang with mommy than do most any thing.
I feel like I am failing as a parent with the two I have and am wondering what the heck I was thinking bringing a third into the mix. I love my children with more love than I have ever experienced in my life. Last night I went out with a friend from church and was sharing some of my frustrations. She reminded me of something... if my children are being disobedient and rude then it is because I am allowing it. I need to buckle down and do some serious discipline and not after I've asked them to obey for the 4th or 5th time when I am losing my temper but after the first (or second) so that number 1, I don't get to my breaking point and number 2 they learn to obey the first time. This is so difficult for me.
I guess I thought that if I loved my children, taught them right from wrong and modeled kindness, gentleness and love that they would just become those kind of children. I don't know why I thought it would be so easy. I have bought and read a good 10 or so parenting books in the past couple of years. I've tried different methods and feeling like I have to go back to the basics... spanking. Oh man, do I hate spanking my children. I honestly think it hurts my heart more than it hurts their cute, little tushies.
The Bible speaks often about spankings. I've read so many parenting books... I think I have to go back to the original Handbook for Life. I also don't think I spank hard enough for it to mean much. The anticipation of the spanking is worse than the actual act. In the past big H has said, "is that it?" after she has recieved her punishment. I think I'm going to have to think about all this parenting stuff more and talk with the hubby. He makes me do most of the discipline but I still want his take on the matter.
So tomorrow is 15 weeks. Two more weeks till we get an ultra sound and find out if we are again on the Pink Team or on the Blue Team. I know what girls are like so part of me just wants another girl... keep it simple. At the same time would be kind of cool to have a little boy... guess we'll see soon enough.
So last night I took my Lunesta. Hum… didn’t help me the way I was hoping it would. I was still laying there awake for a long time… then I still had to wake up at least 3 times to pee. Maybe it is because I had tea too late last night… caffeine working against me. I think I will try it again tonight and see if it does any better.
I am a bit worried about taking drugs while pregnant. I really do not want to do anything to harm this baby in any way… at the same time I have been going crazy. I really have felt like I have been losing my mind especially in my parenting of my other two daughters. I have felt like I was standing on the outside seeing myself screaming at them and unable to do anything about it but watch and wonder what that crazy woman over there is screaming about. It's a good thing my girls love me. My little H hugs and kisses me like crazy any chance she gets. My big H would rather hang with mommy than do most any thing.
I feel like I am failing as a parent with the two I have and am wondering what the heck I was thinking bringing a third into the mix. I love my children with more love than I have ever experienced in my life. Last night I went out with a friend from church and was sharing some of my frustrations. She reminded me of something... if my children are being disobedient and rude then it is because I am allowing it. I need to buckle down and do some serious discipline and not after I've asked them to obey for the 4th or 5th time when I am losing my temper but after the first (or second) so that number 1, I don't get to my breaking point and number 2 they learn to obey the first time. This is so difficult for me.
I guess I thought that if I loved my children, taught them right from wrong and modeled kindness, gentleness and love that they would just become those kind of children. I don't know why I thought it would be so easy. I have bought and read a good 10 or so parenting books in the past couple of years. I've tried different methods and feeling like I have to go back to the basics... spanking. Oh man, do I hate spanking my children. I honestly think it hurts my heart more than it hurts their cute, little tushies.
The Bible speaks often about spankings. I've read so many parenting books... I think I have to go back to the original Handbook for Life. I also don't think I spank hard enough for it to mean much. The anticipation of the spanking is worse than the actual act. In the past big H has said, "is that it?" after she has recieved her punishment. I think I'm going to have to think about all this parenting stuff more and talk with the hubby. He makes me do most of the discipline but I still want his take on the matter.
So tomorrow is 15 weeks. Two more weeks till we get an ultra sound and find out if we are again on the Pink Team or on the Blue Team. I know what girls are like so part of me just wants another girl... keep it simple. At the same time would be kind of cool to have a little boy... guess we'll see soon enough.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
14 weeks and counting
Months ago I really, REALLY wanted a third child.
When I was younger I saw myself as having a large family. I thought at least 4 children but maybe as many as 6 (yeah, I know a bit crazy). Then as the years went by and I was still single my dream for a really big family seemed to be more and more unrealistic.
Married my husband when we were both 28. I had finally found him (or we found each other). Once I had him I didn't know if I wanted to share him with a big family. It didn't help that he wanted children and he wanted them bad... it almost seemed at times he wanted children more than he wanted me. Finally after 2 years he said he was happy if it was just us and children didn't enter the picture, though he still would like them. I felt released to finally start adding to our household.
Now I had been a nanny, a preschool teacher and even a clown in my single years. I thought having my own children would be a breeze! Ha ha. When I was a nanny for 5 children for a summer it was tough, don't get me wrong, but I did it and even enjoyed it. So I thought one of my own... no problem. Hum... when its your own you don't get nights and weekends to yourself. You don't get to wake up in the morning, have a shower, cup of coffee and then meet the day... nope your on 24/7.
Made it through baby #1... even decided when she was 16 months old to make #2. Baby #2 was a challenge... largely due to my back issues. I fell into an empty cement pool when I was 19 severely injuring my lower back though wasn't taken seriously by doctors till I was much older. I had one back surgery after I got married. Unfortunately after 2 pregnancies my lower back MRI looked worse than before my surgery.
A few months after giving birth to baby #2 I could no longer walk-literally. Had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital for some major drugs, then bed rest for 3 weeks. I couldn't even really hold my baby let alone care for her. After much prayer from friends and family and lots of rest and drugs I was able to function enough to care for myself and two daughters.
Still I always pictured at least 3 children in my home... maybe even four. When ever I bought frames I would by them in sets of 3... it just felt right. So now here I am... knocked up again and wondering what the heck was I thinking.
On top of having a terrible back, I have struggled with Insomnia for all of my life. My mom says I slept through the night at 6 weeks (that really means about 5 to 6 hours at a time for infants) but that at 2 years old I started having difficulty sleeping. I remember SO many nights walking down the stairs to the living room and crying to my mother that I couldn't sleep yet again. I started taking sleep aids like benadryl and Tylenol PM when I was around 11 or 12.
By the time I was out of high school I was using prescription sleep aids. I've had a sleep study done where you sleep in a facility hooked up to all sorts of things, had brain scans and all sorts of other tests... I just have serious problems falling asleep and once asleep getting into stage 3 and 4 sleep (the restorative sleep). So I am tired a lot... have low energy and some memory problems, all resulting from poor sleep. That's my life. I've done what I can to adjust to it. And I take sleep aids like Lunesta or Ambien (though I prefer Lunesta... Ambien does mess with my mind more.)
The thing is... these kinds of sleep aids are considered Class C drugs in pregnancy (Animal reproduction studies have shown an adverse effect on the fetus and there are no adequate and well-controlled studies in humans, but potential benefits may warrant use of the drug in pregnant women despite potential risks. ~Wikipedia). Now I know some ladies have taken them and had no issues... I just don't know. And the options wasn't even given to me.
My first two pregnancies I was so exhausted that the first two trimesters I actually slept! Without aid! The third trimester my back was in so much pain sleep was almost impossible... that paired with the need to relieve myself every hour or so! But I figured that was only about 3 months and I could make it.
Pregnancy number 3 (actually #4, we lost our very first at week 11), I do not sleep. Nope... hardly any sleep at all. When I do fall asleep it feels like I am awake all night but my mind is thinking about the strangest things so I know I must be asleep. I also am woken up by my two precious angels at least once each night and for some reason the peeing every hour or two began in week 6!
I feel as though I am going out of my mind. I feel jittery inside as though I've had 4 shots of espresso on an empty stomach. I feel on the verge of snapping all the time and I have yelled ( I mean YELLED) at my children in ways I never thought I would. My poor husband probably dreads coming home because he knows that anything, and I mean anything will set me off.
Seeing myself act this way to the ones I love the most makes me feel like the worst person in the world. Not to mention that I have very little energy to keep up my house or even make a decent dinner... we've had pizza WAY more than I care to admit... (though 7 out of 10 times it is home made). Add morning sickness (who ever named that must have been a man because it is ALL day sickness), headaches and the ever increasing aches and pains that I feel just being me and not being able to take pain meds for my back and you have.... drum roll please... depression!
I saw my midwife on Monday and literally burst into tears when she asked me how I was. She suggest I take Zoloft and start seeing a counselor to get me through the next 6+ months.
-Deep sigh.-
Its Wednesday night late and I still haven't gone to the pharmacy to pick it up. Another deep sigh. Zoloft is also a Class C drug in pregnancy. Personally I think sleep is what I need and if I'm going to take something that has a potential risk to my baby then shouldn't it be one that I think will work to solve the problem? I'm going to call her and talk to her about it tomorrow.
So here I sit, in pain, exhausted and wondering... what in the world was I thinking. I need to trust God that this child is meant to be and that He will see me through not only the next 26 weeks but also the breastfeeding months and early childhood as well. I feel bad that I don't have joy in this situation. It should be a joyful thing. I beat myself up about it and feel more depressed.
Maybe I should get the Zoloft?
When I was younger I saw myself as having a large family. I thought at least 4 children but maybe as many as 6 (yeah, I know a bit crazy). Then as the years went by and I was still single my dream for a really big family seemed to be more and more unrealistic.
Married my husband when we were both 28. I had finally found him (or we found each other). Once I had him I didn't know if I wanted to share him with a big family. It didn't help that he wanted children and he wanted them bad... it almost seemed at times he wanted children more than he wanted me. Finally after 2 years he said he was happy if it was just us and children didn't enter the picture, though he still would like them. I felt released to finally start adding to our household.
Now I had been a nanny, a preschool teacher and even a clown in my single years. I thought having my own children would be a breeze! Ha ha. When I was a nanny for 5 children for a summer it was tough, don't get me wrong, but I did it and even enjoyed it. So I thought one of my own... no problem. Hum... when its your own you don't get nights and weekends to yourself. You don't get to wake up in the morning, have a shower, cup of coffee and then meet the day... nope your on 24/7.
Made it through baby #1... even decided when she was 16 months old to make #2. Baby #2 was a challenge... largely due to my back issues. I fell into an empty cement pool when I was 19 severely injuring my lower back though wasn't taken seriously by doctors till I was much older. I had one back surgery after I got married. Unfortunately after 2 pregnancies my lower back MRI looked worse than before my surgery.
A few months after giving birth to baby #2 I could no longer walk-literally. Had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital for some major drugs, then bed rest for 3 weeks. I couldn't even really hold my baby let alone care for her. After much prayer from friends and family and lots of rest and drugs I was able to function enough to care for myself and two daughters.
Still I always pictured at least 3 children in my home... maybe even four. When ever I bought frames I would by them in sets of 3... it just felt right. So now here I am... knocked up again and wondering what the heck was I thinking.
On top of having a terrible back, I have struggled with Insomnia for all of my life. My mom says I slept through the night at 6 weeks (that really means about 5 to 6 hours at a time for infants) but that at 2 years old I started having difficulty sleeping. I remember SO many nights walking down the stairs to the living room and crying to my mother that I couldn't sleep yet again. I started taking sleep aids like benadryl and Tylenol PM when I was around 11 or 12.
By the time I was out of high school I was using prescription sleep aids. I've had a sleep study done where you sleep in a facility hooked up to all sorts of things, had brain scans and all sorts of other tests... I just have serious problems falling asleep and once asleep getting into stage 3 and 4 sleep (the restorative sleep). So I am tired a lot... have low energy and some memory problems, all resulting from poor sleep. That's my life. I've done what I can to adjust to it. And I take sleep aids like Lunesta or Ambien (though I prefer Lunesta... Ambien does mess with my mind more.)
The thing is... these kinds of sleep aids are considered Class C drugs in pregnancy (Animal reproduction studies have shown an adverse effect on the fetus and there are no adequate and well-controlled studies in humans, but potential benefits may warrant use of the drug in pregnant women despite potential risks. ~Wikipedia). Now I know some ladies have taken them and had no issues... I just don't know. And the options wasn't even given to me.
My first two pregnancies I was so exhausted that the first two trimesters I actually slept! Without aid! The third trimester my back was in so much pain sleep was almost impossible... that paired with the need to relieve myself every hour or so! But I figured that was only about 3 months and I could make it.
Pregnancy number 3 (actually #4, we lost our very first at week 11), I do not sleep. Nope... hardly any sleep at all. When I do fall asleep it feels like I am awake all night but my mind is thinking about the strangest things so I know I must be asleep. I also am woken up by my two precious angels at least once each night and for some reason the peeing every hour or two began in week 6!
I feel as though I am going out of my mind. I feel jittery inside as though I've had 4 shots of espresso on an empty stomach. I feel on the verge of snapping all the time and I have yelled ( I mean YELLED) at my children in ways I never thought I would. My poor husband probably dreads coming home because he knows that anything, and I mean anything will set me off.
Seeing myself act this way to the ones I love the most makes me feel like the worst person in the world. Not to mention that I have very little energy to keep up my house or even make a decent dinner... we've had pizza WAY more than I care to admit... (though 7 out of 10 times it is home made). Add morning sickness (who ever named that must have been a man because it is ALL day sickness), headaches and the ever increasing aches and pains that I feel just being me and not being able to take pain meds for my back and you have.... drum roll please... depression!
I saw my midwife on Monday and literally burst into tears when she asked me how I was. She suggest I take Zoloft and start seeing a counselor to get me through the next 6+ months.
-Deep sigh.-
Its Wednesday night late and I still haven't gone to the pharmacy to pick it up. Another deep sigh. Zoloft is also a Class C drug in pregnancy. Personally I think sleep is what I need and if I'm going to take something that has a potential risk to my baby then shouldn't it be one that I think will work to solve the problem? I'm going to call her and talk to her about it tomorrow.
So here I sit, in pain, exhausted and wondering... what in the world was I thinking. I need to trust God that this child is meant to be and that He will see me through not only the next 26 weeks but also the breastfeeding months and early childhood as well. I feel bad that I don't have joy in this situation. It should be a joyful thing. I beat myself up about it and feel more depressed.
Maybe I should get the Zoloft?
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