No Zoloft for Now

Well, I called my midwife and had a bit of a talk with her. I asked… if my problem is that I’m not sleeping and feeling like I am going out of my mind with exhaustion then why would you order me anti-depressants instead of sleeping pills. She says that she has had experience giving women Zoloft but hasn’t had any experience giving sleeping pills. I told her I had looked into it a little and felt they were probably safe. She said ok.


So last night I took my Lunesta. Hum… didn’t help me the way I was hoping it would. I was still laying there awake for a long time… then I still had to wake up at least 3 times to pee. Maybe it is because I had tea too late last night… caffeine working against me. I think I will try it again tonight and see if it does any better.

I am a bit worried about taking drugs while pregnant. I really do not want to do anything to harm this baby in any way… at the same time I have been going crazy. I really have felt like I have been losing my mind especially in my parenting of my other two daughters.  I have felt like I was standing on the outside seeing myself screaming at them and unable to do anything about it but watch and wonder what that crazy woman over there is screaming about.  It's a good thing my girls love me.  My little H hugs and kisses me like crazy any chance she gets.  My big H would rather hang with mommy than do most any thing.

I feel like I am failing as a parent with the two I have and am wondering what the heck I was thinking bringing a third into the mix. I love my children with more love than I have ever experienced in my life.   Last night I went out with a friend from church and was sharing some of my frustrations.  She reminded me of something... if my children are being disobedient and rude then it is because I am allowing it.  I need to buckle down and do some serious discipline and not after I've asked them to obey for the 4th or 5th time when I am losing my temper but after the first (or second) so that number 1, I don't get to my breaking point and number 2 they learn to obey the first time.  This is so difficult for me. 

I guess I thought that if I loved my children, taught them right from wrong and modeled kindness, gentleness and love that they would just become those kind of children.  I don't know why I thought it would be so easy.  I have bought and read a good 10 or so parenting books in the past couple of years.  I've tried different methods and feeling like I have to go back to the basics... spanking.  Oh man, do I hate spanking my children.  I honestly think it hurts my heart more than it hurts their cute, little tushies.

The Bible speaks often about spankings.  I've read so many parenting books... I think I have to go back to the original Handbook for Life.  I also don't think I spank hard enough for it to mean much.  The anticipation of the spanking is worse than the actual act.  In the past big H has said, "is that it?" after she has recieved her punishment.  I think I'm going to have to think about all this parenting stuff more and talk with the hubby.  He makes me do most of the discipline but I still want his take on the matter.

So tomorrow is 15 weeks.  Two more weeks till we get an ultra sound and find out if we are again on the Pink Team or on the Blue Team.  I know what girls are like so part of me just wants another girl... keep it simple.  At the same time would be kind of cool to have a little boy... guess we'll see soon enough.