14 weeks and counting

Months ago I really, REALLY wanted a third child. 

When I was younger I saw myself as having a large family.  I thought at least 4 children but maybe as many as 6 (yeah, I know a bit crazy).  Then as the years went by and I was still single my dream for a really big family seemed to be more and more unrealistic. 

Married my husband when we were both 28.  I had finally found him (or we found each other). Once I had him I didn't know if I wanted to share him with a big family.  It didn't help that he wanted children and he wanted them bad... it almost seemed at times he wanted children more than he wanted me.  Finally after 2 years he said he was happy if it was just us and children didn't enter the picture, though he still would like them.  I felt released to finally start adding to our household. 

Now I had been a nanny, a preschool teacher and even a clown in my single years.  I thought having my own children would be a breeze!  Ha ha.  When I was a nanny for 5 children for a summer it was tough, don't get me wrong, but I did it and even enjoyed it.  So I thought one of my own... no problem.  Hum... when its your own you don't get nights and weekends to yourself.  You don't get to wake up in the morning, have a shower, cup of coffee and then meet the day... nope your on 24/7.

Made it through baby #1... even decided when she was 16 months old to make #2.  Baby #2 was a challenge... largely due to my back issues.  I fell into an empty cement pool when I was 19 severely injuring my lower back though wasn't taken seriously by doctors till I was much older.  I had one back surgery after I got married.  Unfortunately after 2 pregnancies my lower back MRI looked worse than before my surgery. 

A few months after giving birth to baby #2 I could no longer walk-literally.  Had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital for some major drugs, then bed rest for 3 weeks.  I couldn't even really hold my baby let alone care for her.  After much prayer from friends and family and lots of rest and drugs I was able to function enough to care for myself and two daughters.

Still I always pictured at least 3 children in my home... maybe even four.  When ever I bought frames I would by them in sets of 3... it just felt right.  So now here I am... knocked up again and wondering what the heck was I thinking.

On top of having a terrible back, I have struggled with Insomnia for all of my life.  My mom says I slept through the night at 6 weeks (that really means about 5 to 6 hours at a time for infants) but that at 2 years old I started having difficulty sleeping.  I remember SO many nights walking down the stairs to the living room and crying to my mother that I couldn't sleep yet again.  I started taking sleep aids like benadryl and Tylenol PM when I was around 11 or 12. 

By the time I was out of high school I was using prescription sleep aids.  I've had a sleep study done where you sleep in a facility hooked up to all sorts of things, had brain scans and all sorts of other tests... I just have serious problems falling asleep and once asleep getting into stage 3 and 4 sleep (the restorative sleep).  So I am tired a lot... have low energy and some memory problems, all resulting from poor sleep.  That's my life.  I've done what I can to adjust to it.  And I take sleep aids like Lunesta or Ambien (though I prefer Lunesta... Ambien does mess with my mind more.)

The thing is... these kinds of sleep aids are considered Class C drugs in pregnancy (Animal reproduction studies have shown an adverse effect on the fetus and there are no adequate and well-controlled studies in humans, but potential benefits may warrant use of the drug in pregnant women despite potential risks. ~Wikipedia).  Now I know some ladies have taken them and had no issues... I just don't know.  And the options wasn't even given to me.

My first two pregnancies I was so exhausted that the first two trimesters I actually slept!  Without aid!  The third trimester my back was in so much pain sleep was almost impossible... that paired with the need to relieve myself every hour or so!  But I figured that was only about 3 months and I could make it.

Pregnancy number 3 (actually #4, we lost our very first at week 11), I do not sleep.  Nope... hardly any sleep at all.  When I do fall asleep it feels like I am awake all night but my mind is thinking about the strangest things so I know I must be asleep.  I also am woken up by my two precious angels at least once each night and for some reason the peeing every hour or two began in week 6! 

I feel as though I am going out of my mind.  I feel jittery inside as though I've had 4 shots of espresso on an empty stomach.  I feel on the verge of snapping all the time and I have yelled ( I mean YELLED) at my children in ways I never thought I would.  My poor husband probably dreads coming home because he knows that anything, and I mean anything will set me off.

Seeing myself act this way to the ones I love the most makes me feel like the worst person in the world.  Not to mention that I have very little energy to keep up my house or even make a decent dinner... we've had pizza WAY more than I care to admit... (though 7 out of 10 times it is home made).  Add morning sickness (who ever named that must have been a man because it is ALL day sickness), headaches and the ever increasing aches and pains that I feel just being me and not being able to take pain meds for my back and you have.... drum roll please... depression!

I saw my midwife on Monday and literally burst into tears when she asked me how I was.  She suggest I take Zoloft and start seeing a counselor to get me through the next 6+ months. 

-Deep sigh.-

Its Wednesday night late and I still haven't gone to the pharmacy to pick it up.  Another deep sigh.  Zoloft is also a Class C drug in pregnancy.  Personally I think sleep is what I need and if I'm going to take something that has a potential risk to my baby then shouldn't it be one that I think will work to solve the problem?  I'm going to call her and talk to her about it tomorrow.

So here I sit, in pain, exhausted and wondering... what in the world was I thinking.  I need to trust God that this child is meant to be and that He will see me through not only the next 26 weeks but also the breastfeeding months and early childhood as well.  I feel bad that I don't have joy in this situation.  It should be a joyful thing.  I beat myself up about it and feel more depressed.

Maybe I should get the Zoloft?