Carpal Tunnel and Marriage

Last night was the first night in weeks I haven't woken up due to my arm/wrist/hands feeling as if it had knives in it.  The carpal tunnel has caused my hands, wrist and all the way up past my right elbow to get that terrible "asleep" feeling to the point of serious pain for weeks at night.  It has caused me to wake at least once if not three times a night even on sleeping pills.  This cortisone shot in my right wrist is a miracle! 

After the numbing stuff the Dr used before the deep shot he injected wore off my hand and fingers were in so much pain I couldn't use them for two days... but boy was it worth it!  I just pray that the relief continues.  I am scheduled to have the shot done in the other hand next week but it hasn't caused me as much grief as my right side has so I have no trouble waiting.

Subject change... wow, marriage is hard.  Much harder than I thought before going into it and I did think it would be a challenge.   Throwing children in the mix does not make it easier.  I have so little energy to put into my marriage after a day of 2 year old tantrums and 4 year old complaints and whining... oh not to mention the exhaustion of being pregnant (and old!).  Next month will be 8 years of marriage and I feel like the last 5 since we've had children has been, to be honest, a strain.  I adore my princesses and wouldn't change a thing and there have been other serious factors that have contributed to the distance between us...
I don't know if I even really remember the "good ol' days" of how we used to be. 

My Honey wants to go back to those days but that isn't possible, we aren't those people anymore.  We need to find a new normal, a new closeness.  And I want to, I do... I'm just so tired.  I need to find the energy for my marriage.  Then guidance of how we can obtain the abstract feeling of closeness we both want. 

When he tries to obtain what he feels is closeness with me (and I'm not talking about anything sexual) I feel overwhelmed and asked too much of.  He always talks about us being deeper with each other and I think how much deeper can we get?  I think the ideas he has aren't what I have... yet it is still abstract to me so I can't even put into words what I want and this frustrates him.  And he frustrates me.  And the gap remains.

I think part of my need is to feel like me again.  The me I was before I was a wife, before I was a mother... the me I used to be or more likely the me I want to be.  Who is that?