What the hell???
Tonight as I was laying on my 4 yr old's bed with her and saying prayers... I say the words and she repeats them... she stops me and makes up her own prayer...
"And please help Tummy Baby to be born alive and not dead."
I really had to try and hold it together for the rest of the night time routine.
I agree with her prayer... that's not the problem. I want Butterfly to be healthy and of course born alive. What I am wondering is what in the world prompted Big H to pray such a thing? Can she sense my fears? Or has she over heard me talking to my Honey about my worries in taking the sleeping pills? Or... and here is probably my craziest worry... does she sense that something is wrong with the baby?
I totally think that children can be more sensitive to the spirit world... God, see Angels, etc than we adults. We have so much more stuff that crowds our minds. And there is a verse about that somewhere in the Bible but right now I just can't find it.
I'm trying not to get all worked up about it. Trying to just be grateful that my daughter is choosing to pray about things that concern her heart. But at the same time, I'm going Lunesta-less tonight.
Every day I feel SO exhausted. As soon as I put my Little H down for a nap and get my Big H involved in something, (Bugsby, Art, Playing w/her kitten, dolls or sometimes a movie) I crash on my bed feeling as though my body weighs a thousand pounds and even breathing takes too much work. So every night I take the Lunesta because I am afraid I wont be able to function the next day without some sleep at night.
This last week I saw one of the new midwives in the practice. (The practice has 4 midwives that rotate, through out the pregnancy, you visit with all 4 to get to know them, then on delivery it is whoever is on call.) Didn't really like her because she seemed so uninterested and critical. I explained some of my pregnancy history to her and she said, "This IS your last pregnancy, right?!" Then when she told me to nap and I told her I could only rest because I had small children at home she said again how this should be my last pregnancy because I was getting old and needed to take care of myself. (Since when is 36 THAT old?!)
Yes, this is our last pregnancy but seriously who is she to tell me that?
I don't know. I try not to be angry because from an outsiders view most would think I am insane to get pregnant because it is so hard on me. But when I cuddle my Sweet Hs or watch them play and giggle I think how insane I would be not to want to go through the hell of pregnancy to have a little piece of Heaven with me.
Well... off to check on my sleeping Heavenly Hs, kiss their soft little heads and then possibly lay awake in bed for most of this Lunesta-free night. Thankfully Honey will be home tomorrow.
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I second that what the hell??!!! I'd be a little freaked too about what H prayed. Yikes! And as far as this midwife is concerned, there are multitudes of women in thier thirties -even late thirties who have children, and lots of them, and with health risks that I believe to be more severe than sleep deprivation so if you wanna have 5 more that's YOUR prerogative!! I mean- I am not minimizing your sleep deprivation, just saying she shouldn't act like you are about to die due to another pregnancy. I just have little tolerance these days for care providers who are insensitive or grouchy or plain rude. I hear this type stuff all too often and it errrks me to know that they get paid pretty well to spend such little time with each patient, the least they can do is be pleasant!
ReplyDeleteI will keep your little one in my prayers!
Its been three nights now with no Lunesta... exhausted and terrible headache but feel less afraid for little one.
ReplyDeleteThank you... should be my perogative of how many children I want at what ever age... I really hope this Midwife was just having a bad day. I was the last appointment of the day so maybe she was just tired or something. Trying to give her the benifit of the doubt.
Butterfly can use all the prayers she can get, thank you!!!! HUGS!!!
I echo your sentiments! You knew what pregnancy does to you, and CHOSE to do it all again - I wish she would have just kept her opinions to herself.
ReplyDeleteI totally think that children are more sensitive to things in the spiritual realm. I also know that they pick up on more of our emotions and worries than we think.
I have you in my prayers, friend.