I want to feel something. I don't feel joy and I don't even really feel sad... just discontent.
Its terrible. I have two beautiful, sweet, creative, challenging, stubborn daughters. I have a husband who loves me, a roof over my head, food to eat and clothes to wear. I feel so horribly ungrateful.
I'm not ungrateful. I actually thank God every night and sometimes through out the day for these things. I just don't seem to feel much. It is though life is moving to fast to really enjoy it much. Yet here I am at 9:30ish and everyone is asleep. I have time right now. I just feel empty. What is wrong with me?
That song by Switchfoot plays over and over in my head:
Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken
Don’t close your eyes, don’t close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you’ve got now
Yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken
Don’t close your eyes, don’t close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you’ve got now
Yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
So what's my deal? What is it that I want out of life? I always thought it was a husband and children. I have that and still...
I'm sure its my lack of deep relationship with God. I somehow lost that deepness. It started to fade when I got married. My husband consumed my thoughts and my time. Then the children came... WOW! do they consume your thoughts and time! Also in the process of marriage and motherhood I've lost a lot of what it is like to be me. Things I did before I don't do any more. And now... here I am.
What will it be like when Butterfly comes out of the cocoon?
Who is it I want to be? I want to be a good mother and a good wife. But that's kind of a given. Who do *I* want to be? I just don't know anymore.
I felt like you did about your walk with God for a long time. There is a verse about how we should remain single because when we are married our interests are divided. (Found it! 1 Cor 7:34) I think God knows how our lives are, and there should be no guilt. You are doing His work by raising your girls to know and love Him. You shouldn't feel guilty that you can't read your Bible for an hour every day, or even every day. You may not have a set quiet time every day, but you can whisper little prayers to Him while playing with the girls or cooking a meal. My relationship with Him looks totally different now than it did before marriage, but I am at peace with that now.
ReplyDeleteI guess for everything there is a season... I need to feel at peace with this season like you said Rachel... just knowing that there will be another season at some time where I do feel closer to God.
ReplyDeleteThank you! Its hard to not feel guilty... but I do read my daughters Bible to her (almost) everyday and we pray and talk about God. Its just at a different level. I need to try to relax into this season.